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Pagan Humor

Pagan Jokes & Bumper Stickers Culled from newsgroups, AOL message boards, and CompuServe forums.

What's the best thing about Pagan friends? They worship the ground you walk on...

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa!

"He is YOUR god, They are YOUR rules, YOU burn in Hell!"

Q: What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?
A: Someone who worships the tree that is not there.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid mathematician?
A: Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that is not there.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid veterinarian?
A: Someone who worships the bark of the tree that is not there.

Q: What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub?
A: A Self-Cleaning Coven

Get a taste for religion, Lick a Witch!

Q: What kind of furniture does a Goddess worshipper prefer?
A: Wicker

Q: Why did the Wiccan novitiate give up pork?
A: She thought the Rede said, "Chew what you will, but ham?--none."

A high priest tells his coven member, "Hey, I heard a new fundie joke today." The member replies, "Man, you're always slamming fundies. Why don't you tell us a Martian joke instead?" "OK, Two Martians are carrying their Bibles to church. The first Martian says, 'At the revival last week, I led 15 new souls to accept Jesus Christ as their personal saviour' and the other Martian says--" "Never mind," says the member.

What's the difference between New Age and Pagan? About $500.00 a weekend.

The definition of "SAINT": "A dead liberal who is worshipped by living conservatives."

When God Created Men She must have been Drunk and Horny!

If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?

What's another name for Irish sunblock...? -A pub.

Q: How many Druids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in stone circles.

Q: How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on what you want to change it into.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.

" I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures "

"I have the body of a god: Buddha"

"Jesus saves! By using double coupons & shopping wisely"

A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller. "You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

WASP...We Are Sexy Pagans

Ankh if you love Isis!!

Did you hear, Easter is canceled this year........yeah, they found the body.

Q: What do pagans put their trash in?
A: a wiccar basket

Q: What do Christians put their trash in?
A: Their minds

Q: How do you get a nun pregant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

Q: What do you call a dating club for unattached Wiccans?
A: Craft singles!

Did you hear that Kraft was so offended by that last joke that they moved their macaroni plants to Israel? Yeah, now they're called Cheeses of Nazareth!

Christian School song (unofficial):
I've learned enough to stay afloat
But not so much I rock the boat
I'm glad they shoved it down my throat
I want to be a clone
I once was lost; I once was blind
But now my parts are realigned
My church is an assembly line
I want to be a clone.

That was Zen; this is Tao.

Jesus saves...but Gretsky catches the rebound! He shoots! HE SCOOORES!

Hail to the Sun god! He's a real fun god! Ra, Ra, Ra!

Why did the Zen Buddhist get reincarnated as a Pizza Supreme? He wanted to be one with everything.

A letter from a 3rd grade teacher sent home to pagan parents:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas,

I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please don't take this the wrong way, however, although she is a straight A student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address.

Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the classroom with her pencil held in the air. She says she is "drawing down the moon." I told her Art Class is in an hour and to please refrain from then to do any drawing.

And speaking of Art Class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on drawing little circles around all the stars and people dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around the Rosey! By the way, what does the term "skyclad" mean?

Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a circle.
She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she wants no one to ever thirst or hunger. However, when I walked over to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop, pulled out a little plastic knife and started waving it in front of me. I thought this was a bit dangerous, so I took her to the Principal's Office. She explained to the Principal that she was "opening the Circle" to let me in. She also said that her Mommy and Daddy always told her not to play or run with an "athame" in her hand, that she could put someone's eye out. I don't know what an "athame" is, but I am glad that she keeps it at home.

As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just yesterday while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johnson and shaking my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I finally caught him, he told me that Aradia told him and the rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just a coincidence, and that things like that don't really happen.

One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia brought in salt, incense and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of humor.

One of Aradia's worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto others as you would have them Do Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and stated it was "Do As you Will, but Harm None" and she will not stop saying "So Mote It Be" after she reads aloud in class. I try correct her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger at me and mumbled something under her breath.

In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash that I am quite worried about.

With Deep Concerns, Mrs. Livingston

P.S. Blessed Be. I understand that this is a greeting or closing from your country that your daughter informs me is polite and correct.

A Short guide to comparative Religions

ATHEISM: No sh&t
BUDDHISM: "If sh&t happens, it really isn't sh&t."
CALVINISM: Sh&t happens because you don't work hard enough.
CATHOLICISM: Sh&t happens because you are BAD.
CEREMONIAL MAGIC: I Can make sh&t Happen.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: Sh&t is only in your mind.
CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say: "sh&t happens."
EXISTENSIALISM: What is this sh&t anyway?
FUNDAMENTALISM: BIG sh&t will happen... SOON!
HARE KRISHNA: Sh&t happens Rama Rama.
HEDONISM: There's nothing like good sh&t happening.
HINDUISM: This sh&t happened before.
ISLAM: "If sh&t happens, it is the will of Allah."
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: Let us save you from the sh&t.
JUDAISM: Why does sh&t always happen to US?
MOONIES: Only happy sh&t really happens.
MORMONISM: If sh&t happens, you have two wives to blame it on.
NEW AGE: Visualize no sh&t happening.
PAGANISM: Sh&t is a part of the Goddess too!
PROTESTANTISM: Sh&t won't happen if I work harder.
QUAKERS: "No sh&t here, please."
RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke some sh&t.
SCIENTOLOGY: Feces Occurs.
STOICISM: Sh&t is good for me.
SEVENTH DAY ADVENTISTS: No sh&t on Saturdays.
TAOISM: Sh&t happens.
TELEVANGELISM: Send money or sh&t will happen to you!
WICCANISM: "Oh sh&t, I got that spell wrong again."
ZEN: What is the sound of sh&t happening?
ZOROASTRIANISM: Sh&t happens half the time.

Modern New Age Affirmations

  1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
  2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
  3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
  4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
  5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
  6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
  7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
  8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
  9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.
  10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
  11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, whine (got any cheese?) and complain.
  12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
  13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
  14. The first step is to say nice things about myself.
    The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
  15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
  16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and, disgusting parts.
  17. I am at one with my duality. I let it fight with my multiple selves.
  18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
  19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
  20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
  21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
  22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
  23. False hope is better than no hope at all.
  24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
  25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe.  Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
  26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I'll find someone.
  27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
  28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
  29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
  30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
  31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
  32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
  33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leo's don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.000000000000000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?

Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun in shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so.....

Pisces: Light bulb? What light bulb?

This page last updated: 03/01/2018

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